He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
