I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
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She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
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That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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