haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
