I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
