so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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