if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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