i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
