Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
