there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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