My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
