dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
