I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
