awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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