So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I want her autograph on my taint
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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