M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
don't judge my taste in strippers
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
