when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I checked into jail on foursquare
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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