So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
