That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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