Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
