she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen