You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
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Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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