You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
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Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
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Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room