Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize