Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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