He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
