well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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