My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
