Nicole vs. Life
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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