Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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