Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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