Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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