Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
