I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
