Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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