Kiss
Puke
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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