i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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