Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
