Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
