i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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