So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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