In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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