I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
