I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
