So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
