did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I want to walk on stilts...naked
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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