it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
