omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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