If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
