Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
