fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
