Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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