make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
