Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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