dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
