How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
im on a boat
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