p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
