Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Who died my cat blue again?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
