I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
